BOROWITZ REPORT

BOROWITZ REPORT

From humorist Andy Borowitz, a twisted take on the news of the day:
BUSH REVEALS TAP WATER AS HIS DRUG PLAN
Hopes That Doped Water Will Be His Legacy
While millions of Americans were still reeling from the news that trace amounts of prescription drugs are in drinking water, President George W. Bush made a stunning announcement at the White House.
“I am responsible for this,” Bush told reporters. “This is my idea of a prescription-drug plan.”
Standing before a banner reading “Prescription Accomplished,” the president said he hoped that providing Americans with free medications through their tap water would prove to be “the finest legacy” of his administration.
Bush indicated that America’s drug-laced waters could boost tourism in the United States, adding that English rocker Pete Doherty was “getting on the next plane over here.”
Across the country, the announcement that Bush had doped America’s drinking water with dozens of prescription medications drew a variety of reactions.
“It makes me proud to be an American,” said pitching great Roger Clemens.
Responding to the news that she had been imbibing anti-anxiety drugs in her water, New York resident Carol Foyler said, “I’m not worried about it, but, come to think of it, I’m not worried about anything anymore.”
But Atlanta’s Tracy Klujian said that all U.S. drinking water should come with a warning label indicating possible side effects.
“I had a glass of water yesterday, and I had an erection for more than four hours,” he said.
Elsewhere, Sen. John McCain released a new series of campaign ads, showing him answering a telegraph key at 3 a.m.

— www.borowitzreport.com